Confessions, part 2

May 2.5 year old daughter loves pink. And wears it a lot. What does this mean?????

Also, she’s hilarious. Thought I should mention that.

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Colors are for Everyone

I’m in an ongoing conversation with a teacher/friend about gender and identity. She shared how her 5 year old son is very into the notion that “colors are for everyone” lately. No “boy colors” or “girl colors.” Any color for any person.

In talking about Q and how confining sex and assumptions around gender can be, she suggested the notion (which was really suggested by this wise 5 year old, but not in so many words) that gender is for everyone. As in, any gender for any person. Or every gender for every person. Or whatever gender anyone wants. No restrictions based on stereotypes. It came from the suggestion, by said wise 5 year old, that on a particular day when he was hanging out with Q and folks kept thinking Q was a girl, that maybe, in fact, he WAS a girl that day. None of us really know, he suggested. So wise. And so doable inside of the notion that gender is for everyone. So, I’m going with this conceptualization. I like it and am using it.

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School’s Out. Which means….

nail polish is on. Ponytail is in.

Intriguing, eh? Thoughts, anyone?

he's so proud to have reached pony tail length!

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Filtering: For Real or for Comfort?

Q has been doing a good deal of filtering lately. Like when asked what his favorite color is, he’ll pause. Then take in his audience. Then announce the answer. Usually it’s green and blue now. It is still occasionally pink and purple. Honestly, I don’t know what his favorite color is in reality, but I do know that he usually looks at the person he’s answering, to gauge the reaction to his answer. And sometimes he looks at me. Occasionally with “that look.” The one that seems to indicate that he’s filtering his answer. I can’t describe it, but I can sense it.

Yes, I may be making this all up, but I don’t really think so.

And the whole issue of filtering is so intriguing to me. I don’t think that it’s 100% bad. We all filter things about ourselves at one point or another. I consider it part of Q’s developmental process — figuring out who he is, then who he is in relation to an audience. To me, a bit of that is okay, because we are dealing with other people in life, after all.

Yet too much, in my opinion, is not a good thing. I think that Q filters too much in certain domains. His hair is a big one. He’s growing it out and was wearing clips in it for a while, and also bandanas. We know he was made fun of for both of those things. He now won’t wear them. To me, this is a filtering move that he’s made for social comfort, but I do think that it means he’s chosen to stifle a part of himself.

That’s where I struggle the most. I have yet to figure out the right way to have a productive conversation with him about this. What I want to do is to convince him it’s okay to wear the bandana. Not just under a bike helmet. But 7 year olds and parental convincing don’t go very far, no matter the topic. So at the moment, I’m observing this filtering, occasionally getting tied up in knots about it, but mostly just trying to sit back and observe and notice Q’s navigational skills.

"curly hair" -- in the comfort of home

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Gender Funneling Part II

I love reading pieces where folks take on normative conceptions of gender roles. Or how society tries to force folks into prescribed molds, even if it means stuffing a round peg in a square hole.

A wonderful example, here, on Rachel Maddow and how the mainstream media deals with their discomfort around her butchiness. The author, Malina Lo, does a great job unpacking the general discomfort that folks have with accepting butch women/lesbians. They don’t fit the roles we imagine for women. And here we have Maddow — a butch, successful in the mainstream. A bit much for folks to wrap their heads around.

Mainly, it’s a great piece for really shining a light on this notion of gender funneling, of how blatantly folks struggle to reconcile their stereotypes and biases around gender expression. A nice read.

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Are you kidding me? Why?!?!?

Is this really necessary? I like this company usually, but please.

Is this necessary?

I usually like this company. They do some good stuff, but really.

Please.

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Superbowl thoughts

As Bruce Springsteen plays in the background and the wife and I work on dualing laptops, I HAD to add a few thoughts about the Super Bowl. I’ve been a waxing and waning football fan since my early youth. Diehard Redskins fan. Then not so much. Then in college and a bit after it wasn’t “cool” to admit you liked football. Too violent for a Quaker college, you know? Living now in Massachusetts, I am fond of the Patriots, but not avidly so. But I always enjoy a good Super Bowl. I think because of the hype. And the often-hilarious, over-the-top commercials.

Today, as I tuned in late, the very first commercial I saw was about a new diet Pepsi — just for men. What? Excuse me? It’s the diet drink just for men. Yes, those men definitely need their own diet drink. Yes, I know that the viewer demographic for the SB is overwhelmingly male. And of course the commercials are created with that audience in mind, but come on. Ridiculous. How emasculating to drink “regular” diet beverages (mind you, I’m not a fan of anyone drinking any diet beverages — got that X? — because of the horrible fake sweeteners)….of course a man needs a diet beverage that will make him feel manly, even if he’s trying to cut the calories.

Don’t really know what else to say, but yowza! this world is insisting on becoming more and more gendered and divided along gender lines every moment. Ugh!

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Limited Options/Gendered Options

I was recently perusing a catalog for a Scholastic book order. When I was a teacher, I gave them out half-heartedly. On the one hand, they enabled some students to get books at a very low cost, they encouraged reading, and they also helped me to build my classroom library. On the other hand, I found the offerings to be quite limited, much of the “literature” to be of poor quality, and too often the books came with chintzy toys and the toys seemed to sometimes have more draw than the books themselves. All that being said, I do not think the idea itself is a bad one.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I was looking over the flyer online as I thought I might want to buy a book or two via an online buying option. After just a moment, I knew there were no books that I wanted to add to the library. But as I looked at the flyer, I was more struck by the options that were available. Most blaring was the section “For Girls.” (You can find an example if you look at a flyer here.)

I do not deny that there are books that tend to be better liked by boys and those that tend to be better liked by girls. But the operative word here is tend. There are no books, save perhaps those on particular developmental or biological topics, that are really only for girls (or boys, for that matter).

More troubling, however, is the idea that a boy might get when he looks at the flyer. Let’s pretend he’s perusing the flyer and finds a book or two he likes. One happens to have a girl as the main character. And the cover happens to be pink. His eyes travels up and he sees the header for that section of the flyer: “For girls.” What’s the boy to think? Is he not allowed to read that book? Is he not allowed to be interested in the book? If he is interested in it, what does that say about him? Worse yet, if he likes it, what does that say about him? The messages of exclusion, of narrow gender roles and gendered options are insipid. And their effects troubling. Yet most of us probably don’t even give that little header on the flyer a second thought. Troubling….

Gendered Options

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Don’t box in those kiddos when buying gifts

No, this is not turning into a consumer blog. But, I thought I’d share a bit of my thinking around gifts as it’s on my mind a lot at this time of year. I cringe when I see some of the things people get Q. If they really knew him, they wouldn’t get him pirate things or books with violence, etc. But some of these folks don’t know him. They know he’s a boy, and they look for what they believe to be boy things. Ugh.

When folks ask what Q might like, I’m thrilled! Sometimes the list will include something with fairies or glitter, but I mostly just try to stay gender-neutral and high on the creative possibilities.

Here are five different ideas that are easy to come by at the last minute, don’t necessarily involve mail order, and have a huge price range. So if you’re in need of finding something that doesn’t “gender funnel,” have a look!

Five gift ideasthat you’ll never find in the pink and blue of aisles of certain big-box stores.
1.    Pipe cleaners – ingenious. These inexpensive items (usually about $2) can be turned into literally anything. While my son prefers to make earrings, necklaces, and bracelets out of them, others fashion them into people, complex geometric figures, never-ending chains, food items, etc. The possibilities are truly endless.
2.    Magnets. There are so many different magnets that you can find for kids to play with. From magnatiles (Q LOVES these), which appeal to a wide age range (and don’t have the small pieces dangerous for little ones) to the technical goobi packs that allow kids to build with multiple magnet sizes and connectors. Kids love to play with magnets. Heck, I love to play with magnets. There’s something mesmerizing about magnetism. It’s sort of like a magic power.
3.    Bikes. I know, it’s a big-ticket item, but bikes are great. Kids can tool around the neighborhood, or the park, or ride with you as you walk to the nearest coffee shop, desperate for a dose of caffeine. Unfortunately, many bikes are “labeled” by gender: sparkly bikes for girls, flame-covered bikes for boys. Ridiculous, as it’s the same hardware. But you could always push back and get a girl a flame bike and vice versa. Or find a nice, classic red bike and avoid the issue altogether. (Just a note: As I looked for a link to paste in here, virtually EVERY bike is either a “boys” bike or a “girls” bike. And they have nicknames to accompany the intended gender, like crusher for boys or Jasmine for girls. Utterly ridiculous. But I promise you can find a nice benign bike out there.)
4.    Science kits. Like magnets, science kits, especially those involving dramatic chemical reactions, are fun for everyone. Take a pinch of this, a scoop of that, add them together, mix, and whoosh! You’ve got some sizzling, smoking, gurgling fun.
5.    The basics: Paper, markers, crayons, scissors…and don’t forget the glue! You can’t avoid the basics when thinking about kids. In fact, so many folks try to get fancy toys and supplies for their kids that many kids are actually lacking these basics. But kids can never have enough paper (especially colorful paper), markers, crayons, scissors, or glue (glue sticks to avoid the huge mess, please). Again, the possibilities are endless. Cut out shapes, glue them on paper. Make 3-D models. Draw mini pictures. Draw huge pictures. Really, the enjoyment could last forever, and your kiddos will be able to express who they are through their creations as opposed to the supplies and toys dictating who they should be.

When we give kids toys like these, we send them the message that we know they can create, that they can explore, and that they can be who they want to be. Their playthings don’t box them in, which is so important when what they see around them in the world so often boxes them with subtle messages.

The beauty and freedom of creating!

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“The Look.”

Looking, looking

Yesterday Q wore a skirt to school for the first time this year. I admit that I was glad he held off until after the first week…for many reasons. There are lots of new kids in his class, and I guess I wanted them to know he’s a boy before he wore “non-boy” clothes. I know that one could argue that point, but it was a gut feeling that I had. No matter how pretty or ugly.

So yesterday, it was skirt day. Totally cool. I was, though, intrigued (and yes, nervous) to see how the kids reacted. His teachers embraced him immediately, as did a few of the parents who know him already. It was a great reception. I don’t think it really struck him as great in a different way, as it is pretty much the normal reception he gets every day: warmth, love, and a welcome.

Q then climbed up into a loft where a few kids were playing. He was aiming to join a beloved friend. As he got to the top platform in the loft, a kid Q doesn’t know too well yet flashed him “the look.” It was followed by a poke to another friend. As a mom, I knew the look. It read, “What is he wearing?!?!? That is weird and strange.” Q didn’t notice. So it was just my mama hackles that were raised, my alarm lights blinking wildly. The poked friend didn’t respond, but the newer kiddo did look right at me, since I was there helping Q get up and saying good bye. So, instead of saying anything, I gave my own version of “the look.” Having been a teacher, I have a pretty good one. I think it says, “think about what you’re doing right now; be careful.” I think the kiddo got the message. I didn’t want to talk to him, I didn’t want to call attention to Q, but I wanted to let him know I’d seen his look and give him a tiny bit of feedback.

I do think I could have had a nice chat with that kiddo, but I don’t really know him too well. And I really didn’t want to make too big a deal. And I also don’t think it was a “squash your reaction right now!” kind of look. Who knows how he took it, but he didn’t dissolve into tears or anything. Just kept playing. I think that’s how it mostly is. A kid looks at Q, perhaps has a reaction, maybe says or thinks something, but then gets back to the important stuff of learning and play.

Q’s teacher reported that she had a conversation with a second grader out at recess about Q wearing a skirt and just acknowledged to that kiddo that it’s not something we usually see but that it’s what he likes, and doesn’t he look great?. I thought that was such a great way of handling it. Perhaps that’s what I should have done in the loft. Instead, we communicated through looks. They say a lot, the looks. And often it’s “the looks” that I fear most when I’m out and about with Q and folks know he’s a boy in “girls’” clothes. But it’s me who cares, and it doesn’t seem like he notices too much. Or cares too much. Interesting how that goes.

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