I’ve been searching around for a real purpose to my blogging, and it finally struck me the other night. As I cuddled up with my lovely 5 year old boy, who nuzzled his head right into the space between chin and shoulder, I thought about him, clothed in his lovely lavender blanket sleeper, having just read a book about fairies. He’s of a different ilk, this boy. He walks to the beat of his own drummer. He sees the world through different eyes. I think he’s very free, in many ways. He chooses what he likes freely, he follows his passions freely. And luckily he’s found a way to develop these passions free (or in spite of) many of the societal norms thrust (HARD) upon boys. Although he refused to like pink for 8 months and cried his eyes out after finally admitting that he was told that pink is only for girls but he “really loves it,” he is mostly steadfast and unburdened by his love of purple, headbands, fairies, and such.
I marvel at this fact often. While we’ve tried to raise him without the boundaries put on boys (or girls for that matter) because of their gender, we live in a world that screams out those boundaries at every turn. So they are hard to avoid. So I marvel at his ability to avoid them or to stand so firmly in the face of them. And that’s what this blog is about — the considerations of his journey. How we’ve gotten here, where he’s going, the bumps, messages, and judgments that the world offers.
There’s much I have to figure out about raising this boy confidently and lovingly and with an independence to continue to follow his dreams and passions, whatever they might be.
So that’s why I’m here. And I hope you’ll join me, because this surely is not a journey to embark upon alone. It takes many strong and steadfast partners, for sure. And please add your wisdom at every turn. I rely on it.
I just found your blog, and I already want to be a parent like you when I grow up =)
Your boy deserves a standing ovation, too. I know how hard it is to stand up to gender expectations, but I can’t imagine having that strength at such a young age!
Thanks! Too, too kind. And yes, I think my boy is a courageous one.
I’m a 20 year old female and I have the deepest admiration for you.
The deepest.
I wish my 10 year old brother could know your son.
I’ve watched my brother grow and adapt to societal norms. I cannot filter out the outside world, but whenever possible I try to let him know implicitly or explicitly that he is loved no matter how he expresses himself.
One day he came home from school with his nails painted (a fun joke that a few other boys at school took part in as well) which got our family very excited. Thankfully it wasn’t in a completely hateful, shaming way, they just found it highly amusing. They teased him about ‘being gay’, and though not hostile the remarks were still meant to discourage him from acting feminine. I’d never been more determined to give him the message that it wasn’t a big deal, that it wasn’t wrong, and that it accentuated how beautiful his hands were (truly they were gorgeous). Just trying to counteract the remarks from my family was very difficult for me to try and accomplish. I tried to focus on being affirmative and casual (“Aw sweet! Wow, whoever did this did a really good job…Nice color choice! Nah, don’t take it off it looks awesome!”). I hope I was successful in making him feel loved and not discouraged from doing something he seemed to genuinely enjoy (he kept the nail polish on for a day or two, unfortunately his school’s dress code does not allow for it on boys).
Anyway, you have been favorited. And you have made my day.
I am so happy to have stumbled upon your blog– I just gave birth to a beautiful boy, and find myself in an unusual situation. I am a feminist and have looked at life through the gender lens since I was in middle school. HOwever, mostly my energy was spentt hinking about breaking barriers for girls/women. Now, with a baby boy, I am realizing that I have much to learn about how gender affects boys in our society. While he is only 2 months old, I already see how my family members use words to describe my son– “brave”, “hardy”, and they look forward to teaching him to play golf and engage him in fantasy football. I want to allow him to find his own passions and will love him for them. Thank you for giving us a place to consider the challenges faced by our boys/men in our society. Men need a revolution to counter the expectations and stereotypes, in order for us all to be truly “liberated” and evolve as a society– maybe this is the start of that revolution!?!?
Best,
Monica
hi, i’m happy to have found you. i’m raising 2 little boys in a small, conservative town in argentina. so far my resistance to ‘boys have short hair and reject all things pink’ has only won me a few strange looks, but as my monsters grow i can only imagine that things will get more complicated.
i’ll be visiting your site for some strength and inspiration – thanks!
Ran across your site referenced on a TG/TS author’s website and thought I’d take a look. Just want to tell you how wonderful I think the way you are raising your son is. It was about his age that I understood I was not what everybody said I was, but that was strongly rejected by my family. It was many years later before I was finally able to take the first steps to becoming the real me.
You and your partner seem to be wonderful people, bless you. And all the best to your son, we need many more like him, raised to be unafraid to express who he is.
Karen J.
Hi there,
I love your site! I’m also writing about my pink boy–if you want to take a look, check out http://www.sarahhoffmanwriter.com. I will post a link to your blog on facebook and twitter today! Keep up the excellent work!! Our boys deserve our support, they are brave and endure so much just by being who they are.
Sarah Hoffman
Sarah,
Thanks so much for visiting! I’ve actually read a bit of your writing about pink boys and truly love it! Thanks for the links…I must add yours to my site as well. And yes, these are some wonderfully brave boys! The world needs more of them.
Thanks for putting a link to my site…actually I have a section on my site that links to blogs like ours, I’ll add yours there as well. Good luck with the writing and let’s keep in touch!
Sarah
Hi,
I also just discovered your site (thanks to Sarah!). I also have a 1st grade boy who loves all things girl. It’s wonderful reading another parent’s experience raising a boy who likes girl things. I can’t wait to read more of your posts!
~GirlyBoyMama
Great to “see” you here! Just checked out your blog. Great to see another pink/girly boy out there and a mom chronicling the journey! Off to link you up on my blogroll!
Thanks for the blog! We too (a gay couple, no less) are raising a similar boy.
Keep up the good work!
I just discovered your blog and I cannot wait to read more of it. My son is 4 years old and he is so much like your little guy. He wears dresses to school very day, is growing out his hair, etc. While our experience thus far with the school administration, other kids and parents, etc. has been extremely positive, we haven’t ever met any other little boys like our sweet kid. I am so excited to conect with other mums of ‘pink boys’. Thank you so much!
I recently found your blog and I’m exstatic at having done so. It’s wonderful to reaffirm that there are supportive and open-minded parents (and people in general). As a transgender male I am happy that your son has the courage to hold his own amidst the flame or misunderstanding and ignorance.
I wish that people like you were around me growing up, maybe there wouldn’t have been so much suffering on my part.
I find your blog very interesting… I’m the mother of two boys, 3 and 4 years old. My older son’s favorite color is pink. Both boys like sparkly butterflies and flowers. The little guy wanted nothing more than a baby doll for Christmas last year. Does this make my kids “different”? I don’t think so. I think, as young children who haven’t even nearly reached puberty yet, a focus on gender identity is misplaced. I worry that if I were to make a big deal about how wonderful it is that they want to like girl things they would get the feeling that, yes, those are really girl things. What makes it special that a boy likes pink? It’s a color. Not a girl color or a boy color, just a color.
It’s great to expose your kid to the world and teach them that different families or different preferences are okay from a young age. But, based on most of the responses you get from parents of other boys who like feminine clothes, colors, etc, don’t you think maybe you have a normal, average kid? Do you worry that you are emphasizing the wrong thing for your son- by proudly touting his difference you force him to see himself as different… and I’d suggest that he isn’t. Instead of seeing “my pink boy” why not just see “my happy boy”. As he ages and hits all of the gender identity issues that surround puberty will he feel like he’s been pushed into a “pink boy” mold by you? Are you risking the possibility that you have made an assumption about who your son will be based on a child’s (natural) love of sparkly or pretty things? I’m sure Q is an extraordinary kid, but I don’t think it should be because he likes pink or headbands.
I do actually think my kiddo is a “normal” kid. He happens to like pink. He also happens to love to read and play the cello and cuddle and run around outside. I think all of that fits into who he is here. Why do I write about a particular slice of his life? First, I started off writing for myself in an effort to help me sort out what it meant to have a boy who stepped outside of what some folks see as “normal.” This helped me to really expand my sense of what’s normal. I also, though, come here to write about some of the stickier issues that Q does face, on occasion, when he wears pink, professes his love of fairies, etc. The things he encounters are real, and I puzzle through them, just as any parent puzzles through the stickier parts of parenthood. This isn’t really a mommy blog. I don’t write about all parts of my life as a mom. It’s true, you don’t know about Q and all the foods he won’t eat. The disasters we’ve encountered when he tried out soccer. Or how hilariously not great he is at gymnastics. All of that is a part of Q. And a part of why I love him. I choose here to write about the parts of mothering him that I don’t hear about so much. Hence my choice to write about the parts of him that are “pink boy.” Don’t think for a second that I think of him only as a pink boy. I love him when he wears pink and I love him when he wears brown. And though I talk here about things related more to identity, that’s certainly not what my daily existence with him is wrapped up in. Trust me, that’s much more boring. You might call it “average” — we struggle to get on shoes and hats and coats and to get to school on time. Just like most folks, I’d venture to guess. But please know that I think my kiddo is “normal.” It’s that many people in society DON’T think that some of what he does or likes is normal. And I write about those things in the hopes of changing minds and opening hearts.
Thank you for this blog. I’m 22 and have trouble with those labels myself, but I worry about my younger sister mostly(she’s 4!) and how she’s being raised by my close minded family. I try my hardest to slip in my ‘feminist views’ and praise her when she decides to pick the Knight costume instead of the Princess one (although the Princess one would have been okay too!). It’s hard though, when her parents don’t have the same views, and it saddens me that after we talk about why Barbie dolls don’t always create the best image for women (she’s a great listener) I have to tell her not to talk about it with Mommy and Daddy! I try to explain to her that she can love whoever she wants and that when she plays with her Scooby Doo action figures it’s okay for Velma to save Freddy instead of the other way around. Anyways, it’s so encouraging to know that someone else thinks this way; someone with a child who can actually make a difference. I only wish that my sister could have a friend like Q in her life.
Thank you for writing this. My soon-to-be 13 year-old son would be happy I’ve found you as well. When he was 4 or 5, we knew he’d not have the same gender boundaries as what most people in the Bible Belt would consider “normal” (including his fundamentalist Christian mother, unfortunately). I think it’s important – for the safety of our precious children – to reduce ignorance in the hearts and minds of adults who may not be as accepting as you and I. Thank you again for what you do. I truly appreciate it.
I know that I don’t know you, but I am so proud of you. I think the way you are raising your son is courageous and wonderful. He will have a less oppressive psychic shadow to deal with in his adult life as a result of your encouragement to live into his own sense of gender. I think we could all have benefited from such loving freedom and understanding. Bravo.
I am lucky enough to say that I know Q and wonderful moms, and I have seen him grow into such an spirited, loving, curious boy over the years. I knew you were working on a blog, but I had not really read it before. I just spent the last two hours reading, smiling at the pictures of him and exploring your external links. I am very moved, to say the least. I will keep reading. Love you guys.