I’ve had a few identity conversations lately with Q. Not of the “what’s your identity” type, as he doesn’t seem to have many questions around that, but more of the type that gets into the grey areas of how he plays out his preferences. Like about his hair and his clothing choices. It’s interesting to notice how ensconced he is in his staunch view that choices he makes are because he LIKES things. And that clothes should be for KIDS, not for boys or girls. And on and on down that line of reasoning. I think he’s so settled in this place, for now, that he told me today that thinking about “boys liking girl things” is sort of outside of the domain of his thought. Today I was chatting with him about The Princess Boy. And, in many ways, Q’s response was, to one extent or the other, “What’s all the hullabaloo. He’s a kid and that’s what he likes.” I’m intrigued by this all, particularly as there are still parts of who Q is that make life quite hard for him at times. Our biggest struggle of late involves locker rooms and the pain that he’s experienced there…for both being mistaken for a girl and for being questioned about his fashion choices.
Choices, mind you — as in, “choosing what I like to wear.” Not “choosing to wear girls’ clothes.” I appreciate that there’s a nuanced distinction for Q. And that he can voice it to a certain extent. I don’t think the world is yet that nuanced, unfortunately, but there are many paving the way. Thank goodness.
So, identity. It’s an intriguing thing.
How beautiful. It is such a fine distinction, but it leaves me with hope that as our free and open minded children grow up, they can leave behind some of the mess that we who have gone before have created, and really just accept each and every body for ‘who’ they want to be – without the labels.
Hi, I am new to your blog, relatively new to this ‘gender identification’ world, and am finding immense comfort in that I am not the only one walking my path.
It sounds like Q knows exactly what he ( or she ) wishes to wear and wishes to appear. it is just too bad some in society have a hard time with it.
My mom told me years ago when I realized Chris was not going to conform to gender norms that two things were important. Being healthy and being happy.
Looks like you have that down pat
Oh and WOW! Those curls are to DIE for! I love that hair!!
It would be nice if kids’ clothes were not so relentlessly gendered. I’m resigned to the girls/boys sections of catalogs (paper and online) but I get even more irritated when “girls” or “boys” on the actual tags of the clothes. (LL Bean does this a lot.) If you’ve already decided to buy it, you don’t need the additional directions.
You must be so proud of him, he is an outstanding human.
Your kid’s ideas make perfect sense to me. More fundamental than any of the distinctions we use to describe ourselves, we are all people, and individuals.
A friend just pointed me at your blog. I have a child who also loves colour, and at four and a half isn’t interested in gender norms, or roles, or anything like that – he just loves colour. I can’t see any problem with allowing him to choose his own clothes, but unfortunately my mother does, and I worry that she will make him second guess his own choices.
Anyway, thanks for being a lovely parent to a lovely quirky kid. And for talking about this stuff.