Thanks for all the congratulatory wishes on W’s arrival. More on that in days and weeks to come, I’m sure.
A few of you asked if Q is excited for the start of school, and the answer is a resounding YES! He is a school lover. In spite of the extra social pressures he feels there and the insipid need to monitor himself, he loves his school, his teachers, his friends, and, most importantly, the routine of it (he is a seven-year old, after all!). So, luckily, he’s excited.
We’ve been talking a lot about back-to-school. For us, we talk about non-traditional things, though. It’s not the type of pencils to buy, who he hopes to sit next to, or what he’ll learn in science but rather how he might respond to a kid who teases him about his newly-achieved ponytail. Or how he might respond to other children who, we learned over the summer, persisted in making him feel unsafe and uncomfortable (not just for what he chose to wear, mind you).
This year, though, I’m trying to push him a bit in these conversations. We’re talking a lot about power. To this point, Q has talked about ignoring kids who tease him, and I think this is his general M.O. But, the teasing has, in the past year, gotten the upper hand. An example or two: He was teased about wearing clips in his hair, ignored the teasing in the moment, but stopped wearing the clips. He was teased about wearing a bandana, again ignored it in the moment, but then ceased wearing said bandana and anything else pink, for that matter.
So this year, I added the layer of power to our conversation. That the teasing and teaser end up with the power if Q stops doing/wearing the thing he’s teased about. And I think he got it. At least got it on a new level. He declared that if he gets teased for his ponytail, he’ll “wear it every day for at least a week!” In my mind, that’s progress. Standing up for himself in a new way.
So, as we inch towards school, it’s with excitement, some new tools of communication and self-expression, and always with a bit of trepidation about what lies ahead. Thanks to those of you looking out for Q on this part of his journey. As always, I’ll keep you updated!
I read with interest of your son. I have read just about everything you have written about him. I find him to be so refreshing.
Now you say he is going to school and has gotten teased
to some degree of discomfort. I like your approach but would like to add something here.
As you know teasing comes from other children and sometimes it can be relentless or downright demeaning.
I think you need to tell him that in life there are going to be others who don’t like what he wears, the way he speaks, the color of his shirts. These type of people are always finding faults with others because they cannot come to terms with their own. If he just follows or alters his life just to fit in with others, then he would be just another member of a flock of sheep, thus he could never be a ram. Everyone knows the rams stand out from the crowd (flock). Ask him does he want to be the sheep or the ram.
I don’t know if this analogy is what you are trying to relate to your son. Basically the analogy says he has to be his own person, not let the naysayers detract him from his true self. It sometimes takes a lifetime to learn this, for some it is never learned.
I am always excited to see a new post here. Thanks for sharing your discussion with Q.
I am particularly aware right now of the teasing that goes on in schools. My brother is 12, masculine-presenting, into guns (much to my dismay) and skateboards, and stereotypical “boy” things, however he gets teased as being “gay.” Part of this was because he liked Justin Beiber. He initially said that he didn’t care, that the bullies had the problem. However, 6 months later, he says he hates Justin Beiber. Unfortunately our family didn’t know about any big problems in school until recently, and just thought his music tastes were changing.
However, when a haircut caused lots of tears and a refusal to go to school because he claimed his hair was now too short, we discovered that he was bullied at school most of last school year. Interestingly in his middle school boys need to have wild, hair that covers their eyes and ears. If it is too short they are teased and called “gay” and a “f****t. From the discussions around that we have also learned gay bashing is happening to a lot of the students at his school. Gay or not.
In this case I think it has gone beyond telling those who are getting teased to resist and my parents are getting the administration of the school involved. Something needs to be done about the bullies. As you have talked to Q, it is about power. In this middle school the bullies are intimidating and threatening students, and it is not appropriate.
Obviously many situations do not need direct parental intervention, and it can occasionally make things worse. I think it is great that you are teaching Q how to navigate the complicated gender regulation that occurs in school, and letting him find his own comfort in resisting, or as in the past, conforming in some places and not others. I am also wondering if you have ever faced a situation where it was no longer a problem of teasing, but of bullying and intimidation? If so, how did you handle it?
Thanks again for posting. I look forward to hearing updates about W and how the school year is going for Q.
-Jessica
I cry every time I read your blog. As a transsexual teen I wish my parents had been like you when I came out to them.
I can’t imagine what it’s like to feel safe in one’s own house. I don’t know what it’s like to grow up like Q. I don’t know what it’s like to have the freedom to be myself, but what I do know is that it brings me joy whenever I see someone blessed with it. Thank you for loving your child like that.
Thank you.
Oh and W is so cute!
I would be honored to join your list of supportive parents blogs, as I am the mother of a 12 year old pink-wearing son who has Asperger’s Syndrome. My son is taunted constantly at school for being gay, and has been beaten by classmates. http://theglamourouslifeofanarmywife.blogspot.com
I currently have on my blog the story of my son Taylor and the fight we undergo with his Asperger’s, but my blog this week will feature his stories in Pink.
Someone just passed your blog along on MDC and I have to say Thank You for sharing your experiences with the world! My 5 1/2 y/o son is a blue eyed, blonde curled little gender defying pink lover and we love and support him with every choice he makes. He’ll be entering into the world of school in the fall (up until this point our plans were homeschooling) and I’m nervous with what that will bring for us. All public schools in our area require a uniform and while that will ease the likely hood of teasing IN school I’m still anxious for him. We cut ties with my parents almost a year ago because they just couldn’t maturely handle the freedom we give Noah to be himself. It was traumatic for him but he was back to his normal, wonderful self within about two-three months.
I’m a little late to this discussion but my first reaction after reading this was “WOW!” I love what you are doing to your kid – teaching him to value his identity, his choices, himself – no matter what. I admire how you are able to communicate these values to such a young person. Bullies are tough to deal with, both as the onlooker and the bullee, and he’s a brave and smart person for standing up to it and standing up for himself.