Q has been doing a good deal of filtering lately. Like when asked what his favorite color is, he’ll pause. Then take in his audience. Then announce the answer. Usually it’s green and blue now. It is still occasionally pink and purple. Honestly, I don’t know what his favorite color is in reality, but I do know that he usually looks at the person he’s answering, to gauge the reaction to his answer. And sometimes he looks at me. Occasionally with “that look.” The one that seems to indicate that he’s filtering his answer. I can’t describe it, but I can sense it.
Yes, I may be making this all up, but I don’t really think so.
And the whole issue of filtering is so intriguing to me. I don’t think that it’s 100% bad. We all filter things about ourselves at one point or another. I consider it part of Q’s developmental process — figuring out who he is, then who he is in relation to an audience. To me, a bit of that is okay, because we are dealing with other people in life, after all.
Yet too much, in my opinion, is not a good thing. I think that Q filters too much in certain domains. His hair is a big one. He’s growing it out and was wearing clips in it for a while, and also bandanas. We know he was made fun of for both of those things. He now won’t wear them. To me, this is a filtering move that he’s made for social comfort, but I do think that it means he’s chosen to stifle a part of himself.
That’s where I struggle the most. I have yet to figure out the right way to have a productive conversation with him about this. What I want to do is to convince him it’s okay to wear the bandana. Not just under a bike helmet. But 7 year olds and parental convincing don’t go very far, no matter the topic. So at the moment, I’m observing this filtering, occasionally getting tied up in knots about it, but mostly just trying to sit back and observe and notice Q’s navigational skills.
"curly hair" -- in the comfort of home
that’s a tough one mom. I totally hear you on that, on a different level, but all the same. My daughter was into sewing and for a while was sewing her own clothes and wearing them to school…. until the importance of “labels” took over. we just have to hope that through our constant unconditional love they will find their way back to the truth of who they are. Big Hugs.
It’s such a cute pic! He looks like he’s a blond Reggae star to me…random I know.
In terms of filtering I know Isabelle thinks a lot about what is “for boys” and “for girls’, but what really blows me away is Henry with all his rules….He was 3 when he started telling me some socks were too girly (of course it was his definition because his pink Care Bear and blue and green Strawberry shortcake socks weren’t but the pink ones with flowers that he knew were ISabelle’s were.) On the other hand when I wore a button down shirt the other day Isabelle said she didn’t like it because it was a “man’s” shirt even though it had a frill down the front.
Totally not gender specific, I wish I had had a better filter as a child. Looking back at some of the clothing I wore out and about and the combinations in particular are quite mortifying. I was never teased for it, but I think it definitely affected how I was treated by my peers.
My approach is to open the window (perspective) as widely as I can, and guide as best I can to keep it open, but I feel like I really know so little about what the kids are thinking and experiencing that the more I remain a fly on the wall the better. I know as Isabelle gets older (even next year is such a difference) I’m going to have to bite my tongue more and more.
The more we know the less we know.
My lil one Chris is almost 8 and is a femme boy. When he was much younger he seemed oblivious to the differences society placed on male and female. He would happily wear his hair in pigtails or wear a dress out to play. I did my best to allow him to be able to express himself in a way he wanted.
I noticed though as he got older even with my ” protection ” that he would balk at wearing a dress out to play or put his hair up a certain way. he seems to take into consideration where he will be and who will be there and will adapt accordingly. All the while I am telling him it is ok to be himself.
So I do believe they become quite well aware of gender and how they are expected to behave and adapt to that no matter how hard we try to allow them to be free of gender constraints.
It is only when at home does he seem to lower his guard and become the totally feminine child I know he is.
Hello,
I found your website when I was searching for product labels…I always find it amazing how life guides us. I am the mother of a son, now 12, who from the time he was an infant was drawn to everything feminine. At that time I used to search the internet looking for someone who I could share this experience with. At the time I found next to nothing and felt very alone. There was a website in England…”Mermaids UK “…but is seemed a little extreme as he seemed like every other little boy, except for the pink dresses and crown.
I remember he was almost three when he was dressed in his pirate costume for Halloween. I noticed his sad face as he stood next to his sisters in their princess costumes. I asked him why the sad face. He said “Because I really want to be a princess, but everybody will make fun of me”.
From that day forward we stopped buying boy toys, quit forturing us all with group sports and let our son live the life he wanted to. When home he loved dressing in girls finery, two pig tails and blue eye shadow (He only wanted to dress at home) .
My husband wasn’t on board at first…but even he softened with time. In honesty it was most difficult for my husband. For him it was the loss of a dream. He wanted someone to play football and soccer with… My son would dance like a ballerina in the middle of the soccer field and he told me his happiest time at soccer, was when he was on the bench eating oranges and drinking juice boxes…LOL!
At about 9 my son started to drift away from wearing girls clothing and started to design it. He may have been the youngest boy I know to have Santa bring him a sewing machine. At 12 he still continues to sketch his designs (Only womens clolthes) and wants to be an actor. He has now chosen to blend in with the exception of bright colored shoes he designs himself. We have an extemely close relationship and I continue to tell him what a gift he is to us. We want him to know that what ever his life brings, we support him 100%.
Just wanted to take a moment to share our story.
Thank you for being a support to others.
Our journey continues…and it was wonderful to read other life stories, it make us feel less alone.
Here off a friend’s link.
Q’s a smart kid, he’s learned that hey, he likes blue and green as well as pink and purple. Sometimes people respond better when he wears blue and green instead of pink and purple. Why not make people happy if it’s not a big deal to him?
We all do this, because really, at the end of the day, you gotta pick your battles. And he knows that someday, when it is a big deal to him, and other people might not support him, he’s still got your support.
I wandered over from OffBeatMama and while reading through your posts I wanted to comment on this one.
When I was a kid my favorite color was purple, but I usually said blue when most people asked me. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I was able to articulate I like purple to look at, but I liked blue when it came to clothes to wear. So as a kid when we were drawing with crayons and someone asked what my favorite color was I said purple, but when my grandma asked what my fav was I said blue (because she was usually going to be buying or making me clothes).
So in other words, don’t worry too much about the color thing. Average little kids pick and choose their colors based on the audience.