I came out during college. Since then, I’ve made decisions on an almost daily basis about coming out in various situations. At this point, and in the community I live in, I rarely give it a second thought, but I do give it thought, even if that’s just a split second. What will that parent think when she finds out I’m queer? What will my students think? There’s always a question. I often don’t even care what the answer is, it’s just that I wonder.
With Q, I find myself asking more questions and considering things for longer. I think, in part, it’s because there’s a choice sometimes. Right now, Q’s in an art class. On the first day, when he was certainly wearing either purple or pink, I was sure to introduce him using male pronouns. At pick up this week, his teacher kept referring to him as “her.” I didn’t correct her. And I considered it, numerous times. Q’s still okay without the correcting, which for me is the bottom line. But I still have so many questions:
What will she think when it finally sinks in that Q is a boy?
Will she treat him differently or think differently about him?
What will she think about me? (I know, self-centered. But true.)
Usually I walk away from these situations knowing that I’ve made the right choice regarding coming out about Q’s gender, even if it was just the right choice for that moment in time. Yet I realize that it really is a coming out process each time. And that one really does have to come out over and over and over. And it’s never just simple. Or easy.
Someone told me once, that coming out has three parts, no matter where you live. Assessing safety, sharing the information, and dealing with the other party’s response. It’s a process, and although it’s not always difficult, it makes meeting new people a bit more complicated than “hi!” every. time.
I hear you.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Arwyn, Arwyn. Arwyn said: Being queer, & handling (mis)gendering of kids http://labelsareforjars.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/coming-out-again-and-again-and-again/ [...]
What stands out MOST for me in what you are sharing is COURAGE, CONSCIOUSNESS, and POWER. I’m so proud of who you are and how you think and what you bring to Q’s life and the lives around you. You represent a human being that has huge space for people to have whatever opinions they have going on about “stuff”….
NOW…. if we can just bring that lovely space and compassion for yourself that you bring to Q’s life! (smirk!)
Although I’m certain your parents were extraordinary in how they raised you, they simply did not nor could not have had the skills that you have developed around orientation and gender. YOU didn’t have the type of parenting and models that you so lovingly, conscientiously and committedly provide for your son and those around you….
You’re a rare person who challenges me to emulate more of your being. You have continued to inspire me to challenge my inherited thinking with more of your created thinking.
Thank you.
So I just took five hours reading every entry of your blog, my ‘uncle’ linked me to it. and by uncle I mean an older mentor like guy in my life pretty much.
Though I’ve had it so much easier than Q (ps his name is my all time favorite kids name ever!) as being born a girl and dressing as a boy is so much easier to deal with as a child.
My parents however were the supressors. Bought me pink clothes. told me No, I couldn’t play power rangers unless david or nick asked me to because power rangers were for boys.
However now as an 18 year old transguy I wonder how much different my life would have been if my parents would have let me do as I pleased.
Would the ‘coming out’ as trans be easier. Everyone knows I like girls. But pronoun switching. now thats a different story.
Well, we’re now many weeks into the art class, and the teacher still thinks Q is a girl. (I, of course, want to know why she thinks that because these days I don’t find him crossing those boundaries nearly as much as even a year ago). I asked him after pick up the other day if it was ok with him, or if he wanted me to say something. Without much discussion or seeming to have much emotion, he simply replied that he didn’t want/need me to talk to the teacher, and that it was fine.
This has got to be so much more complicated than coming out for yourself. All the decisions we make about our kids seem so much more loaded. I think you’re doing a great job, though. You’re so thoughtful about every step of the process.
I’m just wondering what type of school Q goes to? It seems like a great environment…public? Parochial? Montessori? Waldorf? Independent?
We are lucky enough to have a small, wonderful, crunchy, independent school near us that Quinn goes too. Very lucky. I can’t say how lucky, really, that we can make it work for him and for all of us. Love that you’re a future teacher! I am a teacher educator and love happening upon teachers and future teachers!