With a bit of publicity of late, this blog has had a sharp rise in visitors. I like that! It’s also brought with it some folks who rightfully question why I write this blog. In particular, there are questions about whether I’m somehow pigeon-holing Q and/or whether my appreciating things like his love for purple and pink are somehow pushing him further in that direction.
So, why do I write this blog? Yes, there’s a little tab at the top of that page that you can peruse, but here are some further thoughts. I am not happy with society. There are many reasons why. I don’t like that today is Sunday and, across the country, in millions of households, men will sit down to watch football and women will serve them food. Without thanks. Often without thought that this is a warped expectation and what these entrenched gender roles mean. Please, please, please, know, though, that I don’t by any means think that any and every time this happens it’s a negative. I just used that as a generalization to draw light to my point.
On a more personal note, I don’t like that my marriage to my wife is not recognized in the majority of states in this country. Again, I think that too many people don’t truly think about the ramifications of their actions when they vote against me, never once considering that no one ever had to actually vote FOR their marriages.
And I don’t like it that my son gets teased for wearing pink. Or purple. Or bandanas. Yes, I know that there are plenty of other boys who like those colors. Or sport long hair. Or wear bandanas. Or like glitter. And probably some of them get teased too. If you’re a parent, I’m sure you know the feel of the sword to your heart when something hurts your child — be it physically or emotionally. So that’s the simplest reason why I write this blog. There are things that happen to my kiddo because of his choices, and things that COULD happen because of his choices, that I think no child should have to endure. Yes, I know all kids get teased, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. And getting teased merely for what you like — for liking a color or a particular shirt — it’s outrageous. So I write this blog with the intent of opening minds. Just a bit. So that instead of commenting on the pink shirt, people perhaps think twice. Or think twice when they tell their son that a particular shirt is “just for girls.” It’s really not just about my son, but about many boys, girls, men, and women out there.
I write this blog to open minds a bit, to change minds a bit, to “trouble” the norms that we have ALL become so comfortable with. And having my particular son has opened my eyes in a particular way to this particular area of norms and social expectations. So I use him as a bit of an example, I use his experiences as a jumping off point. Does it mean that I know what the future holds for him? Absolutely not! But do I want that future to be wide open? For him to be able to choose what it’ll be like? Absolutely! Really, this blog doesn’t exist just to report on him. It exists to make us all fidget a bit in our seats, to reconsider our expectations around gender….to make a bit of change.
I’m so glad I found this blog! Your son is adorable. He is so freaking cute! and absurdly lucky to have both you and your wife.
I’m not going to even start my ranting on gay marriage, since we obviously have the same views. Just suffice it to say that my uncle said something similar about the vote. He talked about how much it hurt that people were voting against him. it’s just freaking wrong.
I’m not happy with society either. now I’m going to go back to read some of your other posts. yay!
Hi! Like many visitors today, I came from the New York Times article on gender fluidity. This is a topic that I am VERY passionate about, which sometimes flummoxes my family because my husband and I have what appears to be a pretty traditional family (I’m a SAHM to our six month old daughter, and my husband works). But gender norms bother me SO much! I have become ever more aware of them since having my daughter — it’s AMAZING to me how hard society presses gender “norms” upon even the littlest babies! I’ve had perfect strangers castigate me in Target for dressing my girl in “boy clothes” (i.e., clothes that have red or blue in them. Wasn’t aware that primary colors were gendered, thanks). Sometimes I dress her in pink; sometimes I dress her in navy blue and red. I don’t really understand what the big deal is, but apparently even subverting such a minor norm is troubling to some people.
It’s my hope that my daughter can grow up in an environment that’s accepting of gender fluidity, families that come in any form, and all the shades of gray on the sexual preference/gender spectrum. Much support to you and yours — your son is very lucky.
- Lucy
Thank you for thinking progressively as a parent. Your love for your child is felt across this blog. <3
People have an exaggerated idea on the degree to which we shape our kids emerging identities. People think they ‘teach’ gender behavior, some think that gender behavior then controls later sexual preferences. They’re demonstrably wrong, but this is how many people think.
I sorta thought that way, once upon a time.
parents of gender variant, ADD, or other special needs kids have a clearer idea of what we as parents really do. We love them. And we try to get out of the way on their journey to understanding themselves.
Parents of normative kids sometimes pat themselves on the back and think, “I did my job. Too bad other parents suck.” In my circle, some of these families then have a kid who is different.
Then they sing a different tune!
Non-heterosexuals are accused of not setting proper gender norms for their kids, but so are straight families, when their kids don’t toe the line. Here’s the thing; these kids come from all kinds of families. In my support group from the CNMC, on the transkidsfamily lists, we see kids from all types of families in all types of places, coming from all types of backgrounds. So.
We don’t teach identity. It’s in there and it’s real. As your kid grows, Lucy, you’ll see what kind of kid he is. And you’ll help him, no matter what. Because your eyes are open, and you’re not afraid of the different ways that people can be.
“It exists to make us all fidget a bit in our seats….to make a bit of change.”
I love this line. It’s reminding me of today’s other bloggy clash moment over at AT’s Odeedoh (I won’t link to it but you’ll know it when you see it if you take a gander). That there can be growth and learning in the “fidgety” moments. No victims here, just folks who are challenging the “norm”.
So happy to be on this parenting journey with you and your lovely family.
Hi..
I’m so glad I found your blog and will happily follow along.. because we are in a similar situation.
We have a son who adores pink, barbies, dolls, sparkles, make up.. dress up.
You name it.. this is his world. And it is his sister’s world.. but not his brother’s world. Thankfully in our family (his twin brother will often remark.. there is NO SUCH THING as BOY AND GIRL TOYS) and we all truly believe that. However.. as he gets older and enters society we hear it more often from other “boys” and it makes me sad.
The girls his age don’t seem to say much… the little boys.. are cruel. And then I wonder… do they even think they are being mean?? And often I believe they are repeating what they see over and over again on TV and magazines.. little boys play with this.. little girls play with that.
Anyway.. we struggle with what to say.. what not to say.. making our son feel comfortable and not making a big deal.
It all just makes me angry that we even have to think or talk about this. Much easier when his connections were limited – now out in the big world.. not fun!
found your blog in the NY Times article, and just wanted to stop by to thank you. i didn’t get into the whole gender thing until i took a class on it in college a few years ago, and i have to say– what a silent intruder it is on our lives! we (as a general population) don’t even realize how invasive it is in every-day life, and i find myself challenging all of it. we encourage boys to be out and about in the social realm, giving them toy trucks and cars, and showing them in commercials playing with other boys in an outside setting. girls are usually shown by themselves, in a house, with a doll or kitchen set, or seen taking care of someone or making jewelry. SO BAD i want to reach through the screen and say “men can cook too! and women can play with dinosaurs! just let them be who they want to be!!” but i digress. keep up the good words and the positive attitude you keep towards gender diversity. we’ll make it.. some day.
Eh. I’m not sold. But you at least present the argument without frothing at the mouth, so definitely props for that. I DEFINITELY like that you present a general negative thing that happens (men sitting down to watch football and being served snacks ‘n whatnot by their women) and noting that it’s not necessarily a bad thing every time it happens.
There are people out in there in the world who think that’s just how things should be, and to hell with this relationship if he/she can’t get it through their heads. That’s wrong. But then there is the fact that different people are going to like different things. Maybe it turns out that during the week he did a some things with her that she liked to do and the serving of snacks on Sunday is a nice way to repay the favor.
Maybe even saying “repay the favor” isn’t at quite the right level. Because when you are in a relationship it’s about occasionally doing things that you don’t want to do, but you do them because you love the other person.
Eh, listen to me. I’m rambling now. I better end this here.
Thank you for writing this blog. Having lived in Boston, in JP, for years my husband and I have come to expect a certain open-mindedness from the world. Some day I will tell my daughter that I was there when the first gay couples left the Cambridge courthouse at midnight with their marriage licenses in hand. I don’t expect everyone to share my enthusiasm but I do expect a sort of live-and-let-live philosophy.
Now we live in the Rocky Mountains. We have been pleases to see our state turn from red to blue before our eyes. But gender issues are everywhere. Talking about how we raise our children forces us to examine what we hold to be the ideal.
My local Mom’s club has been in an uproar because some (straight) stay-at-home dads have tried to join. Cries of “they don’t belong” “that’s fine, but not in my club” have filled my inbox. Why is the gender of a parent or person such an object of importance? Shouldn’t we embrace men, especially straight men, who are willing to express “feminine” qualities? It doesn’t work for only women to be able to adopt opposite “masculine”qualities. To play fair is to allow men to adopt “feminine” qualities.
It helps to hear how others are sorting out how to present gender roles to their children. And it help to hear how others deal with a public or world that is rigid, judgement and limiting. Thank you again.
Generally, I do not have the patience to read blogs, but I clicked on the link from the NY Times article and have been reading for hours now. Your dedication to your child is touching and beautiful. Your journey is a road that has only begun to be paved and if every parent who had a different child laid a similar brick, the road would be well-constructed, durable, and traveled often.
I wish you only the best and look forward to reading more.
Best, Ryan Michelle
Hi, I just finished reading through your archive and I thought it’s time I said something. So, Hi I’m a transgender girl and I am bothered by gender norms too. It’s a bit weird though, because I am living as a girl and I desperately want to be perceived as female by everyone I meet and yet at the same time I’d like to challenge gender norms. So for now I basically try to act and dress just feminine enough to be read that way – it’s an interesting line especially because I do get scared what some people might do if they realize I’m trans.
Thank you so much for writing this blog, it gives me hope for the future for anyone who plays with gender norms – Q is beautiful, and I want that word to be completely gender neutral.
I often wonder if my childhood would have been different if there was less push to gender conform in my family. (even now many of them don’t really accept me.)
Maybe later I’ll get comfortable enough to let more people I meet know that I am trans, but for now I only share that I am a lesbian, if that.
Thanks anyone who read this far and reply if you have anything to say!
I think your blog is great. I have a son who seems a lot like Q. He’s just started school. It’s hard. The teachers don’t normally say anything but they look at me. They look at me with those judging eyes because they think I’m doing a disservice to my son by letting him wear pink tracksuit pants. Interestingly enough it hasn’t been the boys who have been the worst problem but the girls. They DO NOT like sharing the doll’s house and pram and dolls with a boy! But there is one girl in his class who went to childcare with him who never questions him. He’s gradually created friendships in his class and they act as a kind of buffer to the other kids at school. It’s only the kids who don’t know him who ask ‘Is IT a boy or a girl?’ He hates them asking. But he won’t cut his hair, or stop wearing pink because (hands on hips) ‘I don’t care what other people think!’.
I think the thing that has helped a lot is all the adults in his life who think that he is completely wonderful just the way he is. All of friends tell him that he’s gorgeous, which gives him the strength to ignore he people who don’t.