Today brought with it the news of the defeat of marriage equality in Maine. I’m saddened, angered, frustrated by this loss. But I won’t explore the details of those sentiments here.
What’s most pertinent about this moment in history, as well as the anniversary of last year’s similar moment with Prop 8, is the message that it sends to our children. Of course there’s the message it sends to everyone — that it’s okay to vote on the rights of a group of people. But to our children who sit somewhat outside the norm, be it in the domain of gender expression, orientation, whatever it is — I think now is a particularly important time to watch out for their little hearts.
At the same moment that my son joins my indignation about the marriage loss in Maine, I wonder what messages he tucks away to explore at a later date: What rights of mine might be taken away later? What’s so wrong about being gay, anyway? Why do other people get to decide what’s right for me or for other people? Questions such as these, along with the other insidious messages that accompany the passage of laws that discriminate — these are the things that compel me to hug my boy a bit longer, to whisper extra messages into his ear, to remind him that he’s perfect just the way he is now, and will always be perfect, no matter how he chooses to be in the future.
So I take today’s loss as yet another reminder of the ways in which I need to be strong everyday for Q, help him to continue to be a proud person, to own and stand strong in his ever-changing identity.
Years ago, now....
i understand your situation.
why would you put your son’s life out there, for all to see, forever, because of your experiences/struggles/celebrations raising him?
he is beautiful and unique. all children are.
i realize your posts help others.
but, do you feel that perhaps your son deserves ownership of his life and experiences? is it your place to share them with the world?
namaste
Definitely have a look above at my response to Rachelle. I think that explains some of why I write what I write. And also explains how what I write is really only a tiny slice of our life. Much of our life is private. And that’s on purpose. Q knows about this blog. In fact we talked briefly about it this morning, and in light of your post, I asked him if it was still okay for me to write about him, about his stereotype breaking, etc. He gave me the thumbs up. So I persist. Also, though, you should know that much of what I write about, though it may “star” him, is about me and my inner struggles. And it’s also just general thoughts about the world we live in and how it goes round and how I might like to shift that rhythm just a bit. And yes, that involves my boy, because he’s the one that gives a particular focus to the lenses through which I see the world.
To not write about children and their experiences leaves them in the shadows. There’s a fine line, between an activism which feels exploitative and not in a child’s best interest, and trying to make the world a better place, for your child and the world.
Different parents find different comfort levels. The question a parent really needs to ask themselves, is are they self-censoring, anonymizing, for their child’s sake—or their own.
Parents in accepting communities who blog about their children aren’t hurting them. I think. Of course, I’m doing it too a http://www.acceptingdad.com; under a pseudonym.
The other thing we are doing is trying to provide an alternative model to ‘born in the wrong body’ transgender as the only justification for gender non-conformity. There’s a lot of confusion on this issue, and an exclusive media focus on kids who are born in the wrong body, coupled with a revulsion for adult transexuals, is only making the whole situation more divisive.
Many gender-nonconforming children will one day identify as gay. And many gay men do in fact deny their gender variant past, as today’s gay male community is as femme phobic, or more so, ,than the general culture. So this whole endeavor is not without risk.
But the risk is there wheher you blog or not; our kids wear their hearts on their sleeves. They couldn’t hide very well if you forced them too. In every gesture, every word, they reveal themselves.
We are trying to combat the self-hatred built into the culture; that self hatred comes from somewhere. It’s the culture at large which poisions are children. Which can make them take their own lives, which can inspire others to kill them.
We are working on that. Individually, each parent doing this won’t help their own child, perhaps. Collectively, if every parent does it, our children be much much safer.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Parents in supportive communities can do this. It’s good for everyone. Relaxing gender stereotypes helps everyone. We take your point that it isn’t risk free.
Those of us in this community live with this risk every day. Some of us have to choose not to live our lives in fear. Some support us. Some don’t. We live with that too.
Yes! Thank you for eloquently saying what I feel I stumbled over, given the emotion connected to this. You are so right about the risk whether or not we blog about it — our kiddos are who they are and as parents, we do what we can to help them and protect them. And protect looks different for different folks.