Howdy folks…it’s been a while. Luckily, we were enjoying a bit of family r and r. Much needed. Much enjoyed. Now, very much back into the swing of things.
On our travels, which took us, with great luck, to the Caribbean, I found myself watching in a new way to see what folks, both local and tourists alike, noticed about my family, what they said about Q, etc. Much of the week, spent in a bathing suit, Q was referred to as a boy. And yet I found myself intrigued to watch the social dynamics that arose amongst some of the kiddos around the pool. While other boys were drawn to each other by that mystical magnet that draws kids together somehow, Q was not similarly pulled into the rough and tumble games, to the ball tossing, etc. He didn’t show any pull, nor did they offer up their so-called magnet to him. His magnet, however, seemed to pull the girls towards him — coming up and just starting to chat with him. He readily entered into play with them, chatting away. This dynamic is intriguing. Not because it’s abnormal. Not because I think the only “natural” thing is for kids to play with others of the same gender/sex. But mostly because it was the girls who sought out Q. And it doesn’t only happen on vacations. Q’s best friend is a girl, and I think this has always been the case. I think there’s an energy to him that draws him to girls and that draws them to him (I’m sure someone imagining he’s a teenager might be chuckling mightily here…). And it’s that energy that interests me. And I think that’s the same thing that mystifies others.
But getting down to the whole protecting myself and protecting others; the real point of this post. As we awaited our airplane for the return flight, Q and I were in the bathroom. True to form, he wore his favorite, The String Tanktop. In the bathroom, a woman heard him humming a lullaby and said happily, “Oh, she’s the one humming! Now I’ll be relaxed and able to sleep on the plane.” I smiled and chuckled, but didn’t correct her about Q’s gender (as per our frequent conversations/check-ins with him about this).
But then I set to reflecting on this interaction. It is easy enough for me not to correct others. They don’t know that they are wrong, and it’s simple to continue that way. So I thought at first, “Ah yes, the magnanimous person that I am, I’m protecting those who mistake Q for a girl from the embarrassment of revealing their mistake” (as this mistake does seem to cause SUCH embarrassment in the general public for some reason). Then, since our wait for the plane was Oh So Long, I began to peel off the layers of that interaction. And when I did, I had to face the truth that in not correcting others, I’m also protecting myself. The same old punchline, in a way. If I don’t correct a mistake about Q’s gender, then I don’t have to address any questions about why I “let” him wear the clothes he wears, etc. And I really don’t want to be confronted with any comments about how he needs to look like a boy, or anything of that ilk. And I know that many folks don’t harbor such comments. But some do. And I’ve heard them. So, while I feel justified in protecting myself to a certain extent, it also means I don’t have to go out on a limb to expose myself. And in exposing myself, that’s where I usually have the chance to broaden minds, to enlarge the territory that boys are seen to inhabit. So there is a cost to the protection. And also a benefit. So, a quandary. Of course.
I see your point, but I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. If Q isn’t bothered by the mistake (and it’s admirable of you to have asked him about this), then I see no reason for you to dredge up the issue and a possible conflict that could result in awkwardness or hostility for an entire plane ride.
Well, I hear you and can see that you’re really investigating your reaction. But I’d make your bottom and all other lines what Q wants. If he doesn’t want you to correct people, then that’s what to do. If it happens to be easier on you or protect you, that’s a bonus of supporting him.
I have been enjoying reading along, and so interested in Q’s natural draw to “breaking stereotypes.” I too am often faced with people referring to my 2 year old boy O as a girl. I’m not exactly sure why it happens, the only thing I can chalk it up to is his shoulder length hair. I certainly try to put him in gender neutral clothes (that’s the way I dress and I can’t stand reinforcing gender stereotypes through clothing). Although, admittedly, his clothes are definately more on the “boy” side. Anyhow, I’m never certain how to respond when people say, “How old is she? She’s so cute!” I usually don’t bother to correct them. As I say to my 7 year old nephew, who often tells me to cut Owen’s hair, lest he look “like a girl,” “There’s nothing wrong with being a girl, I’ve been one my whole life and I rather like it.” Every so often, with the strangers, when I’m feeling a bit fiesty, I’ll try to knock off some comment about gender stereotypes. “He’s 2, and one of those guys that knows purple isn’t just for girls.”
I stumbled about your blog this evening and read an entry here or there but found myself going all the way back to the beginning to read the full story. It has been really thought provoking and you are especially brave for putting such a personal aspect of your family, and your own inner struggle, on the web.
As for this entry, I don’t think you are protecting anyone by not correcting other people about Q’s gender. Since you’ve spoken with him about this and he doesn’t have a preference in regard to what people refer to him as, there is no need for a correction. There is nothing to be corrected. Your son is comfortable as he or she… so when people say either, they are affirming his perception of himself.
Yet another reason why the English language needs a gender neutral pronoun.
I don’t know if this will add perspective, but I have a mid to very boyish boy. at almost 4 he has entered a stage where he wants to classify everything as boy or girl and generally speaking picks the thing he identifies as boy. He is often mistaken for a girl (my best guess is that it is because he does not have a crew cut) and I do not bother to correct anyone- in my mind (though perhaps not his), his gender does not define him. I feel like anyone who does not take the time to look at him or listen to me speak to him (I call him “boy” almost as often as I call him by his boy name), or get to know him, isn’t going to know more if they see that they made a mistake. If he wants to correct them he can or if he asks me to I will, but in my mind it is not important at all.
Everything I have read of yours tells me that Q knows who he is, and that what you are giving to him is helping him to respect himself regardless if anyone who happens to stumble across your path identifies him correctly. Sometimes, being his parent puts you in the role of being a teacher- instructing about kids who are pushing the gender envelope. But, you are not obligated to teach everyone, in every situation that arises. Sometimes, you are allowed to ride on an airplane with your family and give some stranger’s sweet but innocuous comment the nod and smile that it deserves and move on.
Personally, I don’t subscribe to the belief that every opportunity to educate should be grasped with both hands. Sometimes a plane ride is just a plane ride.
I’ve experienced that “pull” you’re referring to quite often. I only found your blog today, so pardon the late comment, but.. I think people are just naturally atune to the aura around a person.
Mine, for whatever reason, attracts just about every person under the rainbow (literally and figuratively) except straight men. People (especially women, be they biological or not) seem to trust me; I’ve yet to figure out why.
I suppose it’s because I have bad anxiety and a good deal of paranoia. I certainly wouldn’t trust me, but people seem to sense that I can be trusted.
Women also make up the vast majority of my close friends. I find them easier to talk to, less threatening, and generally just nicer most of the time.
But, trust me, you aren’t the only one fascinated and mistifyed by the “pulling” phenomenon.