We’ve been in the midst of moving, hence the absence of posts in the last few days.
But, I wanted to come on to address an issue that came up in a comment, and that I’m sure might swirl around out there, if not now, at some point.
A reader wrote, “Have you ever thought that you might be pushing your own beliefs onto your son…. It seems to me that you WANT your son to be a homosexual or transgendered, and would feel dissappointed if he wasn’t.”
That, my friends, is a powerful accusation. And I believe that it’s actually at the root of why I started this blog in the first place. Let me try to explain. And please know, also, that I approved the comment in the interest of open dialogue and also in the interest of trying to further clarify my purposes and goals here, as it can be tricky for me to muddle through them.
So, as a lesbian, I fear OFTEN that folks will think that I/my wife and I are trying to turn our son gay/queer/transgendered/etc.. That somehow we will understand him better if he chooses a life similar to ours in the domain of sexuality. Or that my desire to promote understanding and acceptance of queer folks is somehow foisting my son into the spotlight as a mascot for “my cause,” so to speak.
Well, it couldn’t be further from the truth. What I’m really trying to do with Q, and what I’m trying to write about here in the hopes that others will do and think the same, is to open minds and broaden social boundaries. Implying that letting Q wear dresses is an effort on my part to put my agenda on him and turn him gay is completely the opposite of the truth. In truth, “letting” him wear dresses, headbands, read fairy books, etc is about me allowing him to set the agenda when it comes to expressing who he is. He is expressing his identity and passions inside a much larger arena than is normally seen for boys. And that is his agenda. Not that it’s a political agenda. Not that it’s an overt agenda. It’s just his agenda for being who he is and doing what he likes. And my job, and really my struggle here, is to support him in that so that he feels comfortable and confident being both a boy and someone who loves dresses; or both someone who loves purple and sparkles and magic wands and someone who loves running around like crazy. So, I believe that he’s leading this journey. And I am following, supporting, and grappling, as I’ve written, with my own internal issues around being a mother who has a son who wears dresses on occasions. And you should know that I also grapple with the fact that he plays soccer even though he told us he didn’t want to. And that sometimes I ask him to practice cello when he doesn’t want to. There is much to grapple with in motherhood, and this happens to be one of the most challenging things. And one of the areas that I believe has the biggest potential to reshape some folks’ perceptions about how the world is “supposed” to be, and how the world might be when Q is older.
Also, regarding the idea that I am attempting to mold Q into something that he may not be, I believe it is vitally important to recognize here that we’re talking about a 5 year old. A 5 year old who likes to wear dresses, read certain books, has a girl as a best friend right now — different things that push against the mold of what many folks expect from boys. But we are most certainly NOT talking about his sexuality, who he will be attracted to in the future, etc. The conflation of liking fairies or wearing a dress with one’s future sexuality is a prime example of the labels that society is all-to-fast to slap onto kids and adults. One’s play and dress preferences as a child do not correlate or cause one’s sexual preferences in the future. And I’m talking about Q, a 5 year old boy here. His preferences come and go in terms of what he wears, what he likes to play with, etc. Some of them usually sit beyond the normal social boundaries of what boys are expected to like. But these are not romantic or sexual preferences. At all.
And to the commenter’s final point about disappointment if Q is not gay or transgendered or queer or not heterosexual in some way. I really don’t care. I will support and love him no matter who he chooses to love. I will, however, be disappointed if he feels that he has to suppress his interests or his self-expression because of external pressures. That will be a true source of disappointment for me. All I want for my little boy is for him to value himself as an individual and to be able to express all of his passions and interests. Not much. Just that. Like any parent, I believe.
Once again, your beautiful writing has made me misty. You are brave (and a little too kind) in your response to the poster who left the “Your gay is rubbing off on your son” comment. It’s that narrow defining of the world that you are rallying against, and rally well you are. (that was me doing Yoda)
Keep on truckin’ M, your open and honest sharing of your journey is refreshing and important.
I’m new around here…can’t even remember exactly how I found you. I could write a book right now but I’ll cut it short and say that I think Q is a VERY lucky little boy to have such wonderful parents. You’re giving him exactly what he needs…love and support. I’m so glad you pointed out that sexual preference isn’t an issue at his age…duh. You can’t tell me that some “straight” parents aren’t disappointed to find out their kids are gay/lesbian…whatever. I am one of those “straight” parents but I cannot even imagine turning my back on my child like so many parents do. I don’t see you pushing anything on him. I see you encouraging a child to be himself whatever he chooses to be. I hope you don’t mind if I tag along. Your story has really touched my heart and I think he’s an awesome kid. Pat yourselves on the back..you really deserve it.
Hugs!
Incredibly well said. I think you’re taking a great approach, and I’m sure he’ll grow up to be an open-minded and wonderful person, just like you – whoever and however he may be.
Thanks for taking the opp to (re)address all these important distinctions – drives me particularly nutsy when all that sexuality/gender/purple stuff gets lumped together. It may be that no matter how many times you clarify it, this kind of comment will continue to fly. But you sure couldn’t have made it any clearer where you’re actually coming from about all this. Rock the heck on.
I wonder if part of the reason behind the question is that we haven’t heard how this started? Not the whole “this is how we fell in love and these are the choices we made when deciding to become mothers” but how you discovered that Q loved dresses and sparkly things, how you felt about it, whether you and your wife struggled with it and how. The commenter is looking at this as almost a fait accompli – here’s my boy, he likes dresses, why must you criticize and judge him – but without any of the history.
Personally, if the kid wants to wear a tutu to class, I say let him. He’s FIVE. It’s all about exploration. And if he wants to wear dresses at fifteen, let him – he’ll have grown up knowing that he has the support of his parents, and that will make him stronger. And if he says “hey I’m gay” or “hey, I’m straight” or “hey, I don’t care about sex at all” – well, he already knows that you love him for all the facets of him.
what a beautiful child!! as I was reading about your parenting your child, I thought of my friends’ son, who at 4 years old, LOVED wearing this black velvet dress he’d found somewhere, high heels, black shiny purse, the whole 9 yards. I have long felt so glad for the way he was raised — whether he felt free to express something about his gender identity and/or his future sexuality, or he was just a boy who wasn’t so culturally constrained — and he’s a sweet and wonderful person now, successful, graduate degree, yadda. why am I going on about someone who is NOT your child? for the people who don’t understand yet, that if we let our children be who they are, and we help them be good people in the world, our world will be a better place. thank you for being so eloquent with your life, and for sharing a bit about your family.
And what’s wrong with being queer or trans or gay that it would be a problem if you *were* to encourage him to be any or all of the above? You seem to be loving, and listening, and fumbling through parenting in the very best way you can!
As a queer mama myself, I know that my kids will face homophobia because of their family, and I want them to have the resources of THEIR and my queer community to support them through it. Dealing with hate is hard.
I include my children in my cultures, and hope that they can find strength and support there, and feel like they belong. That includes my family (however I define it), my faith community, and the queer community alike. My kids are queer from birth (whomever they decide to be attracted to as adults, and however they choose to dress). And queer boys can wear dresses if they like, and listen to show tunes. And the Indigo Girls. And go to Pride marches. Or whatever.
Our kids are fantastic, and deserve to be celebrated. Both while they are in the normal stage of identifying with their parents cultures and styles, and later when they are out in the world finding their own place as teenagers.
Keep on being yourselves!
You know when I first started reading your blog it didn’t even register that you were lesbian. It wasn’t until a reference to your wife that I actually realized that.
And in my warped tongue-in-cheeck way…whenever I read about anyone suggesting that a lesbian couple raising a son would want him to be gay to be ‘like them’—I always think ‘wouldn’t they want him to be attracted to women, to be like them?’
I love reading your blog! I have a sensive boy – whose bestfriend is a girl. He’s never asked to wear a dress – but I know he plays dress up with his sisters…..I try hard not to ‘mold’ my kids and your blog inspires me to help them grow up with minds and hearts that are open to all the possibilities.
Great post. The thing is that your son is 5 years old. His wanting to wear a dress or play with girls is not an indication of his eventuality sexuaility. Our son goes through phases where he wants to “wear a dress.” It just means that he likes to wear our shirts and they are big on him. I’m sure that if there was a man in the house, he would want to wear a tie from time to time. He also likes to wear our shoes but it doesn’t mean he’ll grow up to be a runner because he borrows my NIKEs. He also wants pink kitty-cat boots but that’s because he likes pink, not because he understands that people think it’s a “girl’s color.” He’s working his way through the rainbow in croc color so right now he is wearing yellow.
Ok, I just rambled a bit but you did a fantastic job answering that comment.
By way of perspective- I have a friend who is straight, who has a son and a daughter who in their pre-teens, each decided independently that they had strong opinions about what happened to their hair- her son wanted to grow his long and her daughter started having hers cut pretty short. My friend went along happily with their wishes and was surprised at the number of people who asked her if she “made” them wear their hair that way.
I think when people encounter something that is not immediately within the realm of their own experience they start trying to make sense of it in the only way they know how. Not always smart or enlightened, but to them the logic is probably flawless.
Everyone else has written such smart things, what can I add? Just to say that your parenting of Q is inspirational to me. I think a lot about gender, about social conditioning, about how I want my child to interact with the world. Your thoughts on raising a kid who pushes the gender envelope is so helpful and thought-provoking…
I found your blog through the link in your email as we coordinated a Freecycle pick-up. I’m so glad to have stumbled across it, you have some very poignant comments to make on the raising of children. I am a straight woman with no children, and I completely agree with you that a dress does not make a boy gay. The enjoyment of faeries does not make a boy gay. A girl playing with trucks or trains will not suddenly become gay. You are in no way pushing your son to become a certain kind of person. Just the opposite, you are not inhibiting him the way most people inhibit their children. I would even say most parents raise their kids TO BE STRAIGHT, in their image, because they would not be comfortable with a child who was “not like them.”
Keep on keeping on! Bravo to a voice which needs to be heard!
This irks me in the same way that it drives me crazy when people assert that queer folks “choose” to be queer. Why would we make a choice to put ourselves at risk for intolerance, bigotry, hatred, harassment, and potential violence against us and our loved ones? Gee, that sounds just like something I would choose to go out and do for fun.
That anyone would insinuate that we would push our children into such a thing – especially with the undertone that it is for our own purposes and comfort – infuriates me.
When we follow our hearts and love the people to whom our hearts lead us, we are being true to ourselves. It is always an act of bravery and can be scary. You are letting Q follow his heart and embrace the things to which he is drawn. That is an act of double courage, because as his mother, you are drawn to protect him – and that includes from the slings and barbs that could be thrown at him because his interests may be viewed as ‘inappropriate for boys’ by many in our society.
Brave, brave mamas. You have my admiration.
People who know what they’re talking about know you can’t “turn” a child gay or straight, I’d not be too worried about the peanut gallery. But I know, the accusations can still hurt.
Since you commented on my blog post
http://gregprinceblog.wordpress.com/2008/05/08/gender-identity-and-children/
I thought you might be interested to see this post, written by a friend of mine whose approach is that of someone who sees these things as a social worker.
http://gregprinceblog.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/more-panties-more-knots/
Always nice reading your stuff. You love your son and support him as he is – it doesn’t get any better than that. Given his age really all he is is eccentric – and whether he turns out gay, straight, transgender, whatever, it’s all good.
Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation
Anyway … nice blog to visit.
cheers, Covering!
nice purple crocs! my son’s friend asked me to use my employee discount to buy him some pink ones a couple years ago. then i helped him switch over all those silly “jibbitz”. he was completely ecstatic.