On another site I visit, someone posted a link to this NPR story about transgender children and two radically different approaches to “dealing” with their gender identity. Check it out here.
I link to this story not because I think that Q is transgender. But more because of both the fear it instilled in me regarding how some folks advocate working with kids whose expressions of individuality stretch beyond how society thinks they should express themselves AND the hope and calm that other approaches provided. There are plenty of folks — parents, professionals, community members — out there who know that it’s important to embrace kids, no matter what they choose to wear, what they choose to play with, who they choose to play with. And then there are others who try to restrict these choices in an effort to “help” kids fit into how society thinks they should act because of their gender.
It is this kind of help that makes me fearful. Yet, I do see moments in myself where I want to nudge Q towards wearing more “boyish” clothing or find myself fighting an urge to invite him to dress in a fairy costume, etc. I dislike these moments. A lot. Yet I know, from the NPR story, and from living life in this world, that they are more expected and accepted than the times when I am able to keep an open mind and to just nurture Q’s happiness and passions.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this NPR piece, and also ideas for how we can support our children’s passions unconditionally so they do not end up suppressed and performing for their parents (like Bradley in the story), as opposed to living fully as themselves.
I am really enjoying reading your new blog all about Q. I love that you are being completely open and honest about everything from how he is feeling to how you are feeling, etc. Intersexuality issues are something that I have always been very interested in, ever since the time that I read about John Money and his experiments surrounding gender and sexuality. I am glad that Q is wearing dresses in public and feels comfortable about it, wear what you want, and thumbs up for his teacher, she sounds awesome. Keep up the posts and I am going to read that NPR article!
I am so glad you are there for your son as who he is, instead of trying to make him onto what you feel society thinks he ought to be. There has been so much sadness caused by parents who try to shape their child into what the parents want, instead of who the child is.
In college a friend wanted to be a writer, his parents wanted him to be a doctor. I am not sure how long he stuck with the med school path, but how sad to spend so many years trying to be something you don’t want to be.
By the way, Shes Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan is a great read, if you have not yet read it already. I have no idea of what gender the future holds for your son, but surely he will be happy with your support.
I love how this blog feels more interactive than the last one. You are actually seeking a community to dialogue with about this journey. I am definitely more pushing of Q’s clothing choices than you are, though. You inspire me. (written by the blog author’s wife…for the rest of the community reading here)
Okay… I have to say that you and K and Q are heroes. I do mean that so sincerely and honestly. I get scared for Q and you inside of my own fear. My stomach aches and I have all sorts of judgments about you, about Q… then really judgments of ME (fundamentally ME of course), and I say to myself “it’s time for K and M to reel him in and show him some societal boundaries for his own good” or “How do they expect him to fit in and be successful in life if they don’t stop this behavior?” AND…there’s so many other things I say that are equally “NORMAL”….and require no depth of thinking on my part.
Then, when I look at those thoughts, I get a sense….not totally…but a sense of the bigness of this particular inquiry for all of us. I have a sense of shame and justification around my fear of Q wearing dresses. It’s such a huge conflict for me right now. I’m sad yet proud. I’m scared yet I experience some divine protection on some level. That may seem weird to say, but that’s how I experience it.
Q on the other hand has no issues about this. He seems acutely aware of the conflict he causes in our hearts at this time, but somehow remains unaffected by the very conflict that he’s at the source of right now. It’s as if he knows it’s stirring our pots but he’s grounded in some deep trust that WE will work this out. He seems to be the one who is telling us/me that all is well…don’t sweat it… be peaceful… you’re putting concern in the wrong area… you can get to the other-side of the issues that YOU HAVEN’T worked out and I’m going to be the conduit for all that learning. NOW…that’s remarkable and perhaps that’s all there is for US to do. Is to work out our own issues and let him be him as he is.
You both are amazing Mothers. I mean….truly remarkable in the level of CONSCIOUSNESS that you each are as parents.
I’m continuing this inquiry for myself. I’m sure Q wants nothing other than for me to heal my own shame. How loving it is of HIM to bring that to me/us. He’s even willing to take some heat on our behalf so we can heal ourselves around our issues.
Love to you! Xav
I only heard a bit of the NPR story when it aired so I don’t feel I can comment on that. BUT I did want to say that every time I come here and read about ‘dresses’…I always think ‘maybe he was a Scottish Highlander in a former life’
I live in Toronto – where Ken Zucker has his practice. Toronto is a very progressive, inclusive and accepting city, and there is a very large and vocal group of people who are against everything Zucker stands for – reparative therapy, ‘curing’ kids like mine.
Sadly though, many parents who send their kids to see Zucker just don’t have access to quality information about gender non-comforming kids, and/or they do not know what sort of treatment they are signing their kid up for. Many medical doctors here just automatically refer kids to Zucker because his name is widely known. Many have no real clue about his therapy techniques (which in my opinion are barbaric).
I starting researching gender variance about a year ago and I found it pretty challenging at first to find support and information that aligned with my gut instincts about how best to parent my child, and with my values, principles, etc.
Have you read the book The Transgendered Child? It’s fantastic.
I only came across the term ‘ pink boy’, and stumbled upon your blog a few days ago. Thanks so much for advocating for your pink boy, and by extension, my pink boy too.
If you are interested in learning more about Zucker, just let me know.